The feeling of not belonging is brutal. The discomfort it can create is heartburn-invoking stuff!
Literally, your heart may feel a burn.
The shame of not being selected. The feeling of neglect associated as you were overlooked. The feeling of not being good enough.
Just because you are in a team or lead a team, you are not guaranteed the feeling of belonging.
Teams form groups within groups. We align with those that are similar, which makes us feel at ease and comfortable.
That feels safe.
But it can feel unsafe if you’re on the outside of that.
Our youngest son recently asked me, “What are you most scared of?” I didn’t have an answer at the time. I told him it was a great question and that I’d have to consider it. My initial thought was that I was not sure. I didn’t know what I feared. My thoughts went to worse-case scenarios, harm to my family, pain, and even death. But it still felt that the question was unanswered for me. As I was researching the topic of belonging, it felt like the pieces of the puzzle had appeared, ready for me to put this one together.
It is one of the things I fear most. Not belonging.
Maslow features not belonging in his hierarchy of needs, the pyramid that represents the theory of human motivation. When our sense of belonging is threatened, we can feel disconnected and lonely.
Do you remember that feeling you may have experienced as a child where you were not selected for the team, the game, the party, or even to play?
As a child, it feels like being left out. As an adult, it becomes so much more complex. I would describe the feeling as not enough.
Not good enough, not smart enough, not big enough, not small enough, not talented enough. Not enough.
But what is not enough? Who sets the “enough” standard?
The word enough has Germanic origins, and it means “sufficient in quantity or number.” What is sufficient? By whose standard? There is no objective measure of sufficiency when it comes to humans. When someone is described as “nice enough,” it’s not flattering. It says you are adequate. You pass. The Collins dictionary states that “adequacy is the quality of being good enough or great enough in amount to be acceptable.” You will do. This doesn’t sound valuable. It sounds like a minimum requirement was met.
When circumstances bring about a feeling of not belonging, we may feel we are not enough. The beauty of wisdom and aging is that you care less about what others think of you and become more certain of your value. As we look up at Maslow’s hierarchy to self -actualisation, we understand ourselves at a deeper level, and we are more tuned into our greater potential. We still need to belong, but perhaps we realise that belonging in a concentrated way (less is more) is rich and meaningful. We can focus on the relationships that are important that nourish and nurture.
When we feel like we are not enough, we can use these prompts to remind us of our value:
- I value myself because…
- The qualities I bring to my personal and professional relationships are…
- The people that really matter to me are…
- Those that love me love me because….
- Where I belong, I feel…
- When I feel connected, I feel…
This can connect us back to our feeling of self-worth and value. It is like padding against those that make us feel like we are not enough.
You are enough. You always have been enough. You always will be enough because you are you. Perfectly uniquely you. Just right you. Enough you.
Rita Cincotta writes, mentors, and speaks on elevating leadership impact, individual and team performance, resilience, and new ways of working. She works with organisations to develop human centred solutions that help people and businesses to thrive.