I am a leader with seven direct reports. I look at my calendar on a Monday morning and I see all my one-on-one meetings. Scattered across the entire week. Seven hours in total. One whole day out of the working week dedicated to one on one’s. I enjoy spending time with my team, but I am finding the one on one’s to be monotonous. Typically, nothing too significant changes in a week, and if it does, I will know about it anyway, as we won’t wait for the one on one’s. So why am I still doing this?
Sound familiar?
In my time as a leader, I have both loved and dreaded the one on one. Time with my team individually – tick. Time-consuming- tick. Monotonous – tick. Effective- cross/tick- dependent on the situation, my energy and interest and that of the person.
When I speak to groups of leaders there are mixed views on the effectiveness of how they are currently conducting their one on one’s. Rarely do I meet a leader or a team member who loves them.
In research including a global survey of 1,000 knowledge workers of which 250 either lead or participate in 1:1s, and interviews with nearly 50 top leaders at various Fortune 100 companies, almost half found that their one on one’s are suboptimal.
People are generally dissatisfied with the lack of structure in these meetings, feeling of repeating themselves with information that is already captured in team meetings or dashboards and at times a lack of focus and active listening.
We also have too many formats for why we may connect with our team. What ‘s the purpose for our meeting?
Is it a one-on-one?
Is it a performance discussion?
Is it a development chat?
It is to reward or praise?
It is to discipline?
We have various processes for all these types of meetings.
No wonder we are confused, and we may be tempted to avoid most discussions.
So how can we improve our one on one’s?
The research found that the best types of one on one’s are frequent and short in duration. Ideally 30 minutes every week. Employees that met with their leader for longer periods every two to four weeks were less satisfied. Leaders with larger teams used a blend of in person and virtual connection for a shorter period (30 minutes or less) but met more frequently. The research also found that having a clear structure to these check in meetings provides a format that makes preparation easier and more meaningful.
I am going to share with you the only format you will need for any conversation with your team. It is based on a coaching conversation formula, and it can be used for any scenario, from a check in, to a disciplinary discussion.
Connect>Ask>Calibrate>Support
Connect
This is the check in.
How are you feeling?
What’s been happening?
How are things? How’s your energy?
Ask
Ask your team member to share their highlights- what are they happy about?
Ask your team member to share their lowlights- what has not gone so well?
Ask them how they think they may address the lowlights?
Ask your team member what they’ve come across that’s new. What are they curious about? What action are they taking to explore?
Use open-ended questions. Best ways to start these questions will be by using how, why or what.
Calibrate
Provide your acknowledgement of highlights/achievements.
Share what you’ve recognised that is positive in terms of behaviour and performance.
Provide your observations of lowlights.
Share what you’ve recognised that may be getting in the way.
Be clear.
Check whether your observations resonate for them? Be curious and explore what they see and what they are experiencing.
Calibrate this with what you know, and your experience based on the situation.
Discuss any anomalies.
Listen with intent and empathy. This is not about proving the other person wrong or right. It is about understanding their perspective.
Support
Ask them, “how can I best support you?” What do they need from you or someone else? This is about empowering them to unlock the answer themselves.
This is not about you necessarily resolving the issue for them. Respect their insight and knowledge and be patient.
Ask them what could work better. What do they need to achieve this?
What’s in a name?
Lastly, let’s ditch the name “one on one”. When I asked chat GPT for some inspiration on an alternative to one on one, it gave me this.
I was in an airport lounge at the time, and I still laughed out loud. It makes sense though. The way many one on one’s are structured can feel like preparing for a showdown. This conjures up images of proving oneself, a lack of trust and unhealthy competition.
What if they were focused on connection, checking in and coaching?
What if we called it a Connect?
It’s always puzzled me that we call dates, dates. It’s a date. Let’s go on a date. I have a date. We are dating. My husband and I still book date nights after three kids and fourteen years together. To use the word date probably didn’t make much sense in the early days of the use of the word, but it works. I think connect could work too.
Let’s connect. We have our connect booked in. Let’s chat about it in our connect.
Try it on for size? Does it fit?
If you have an interesting name for one on one’s I would love to hear it.
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